The Whopper Craving:
If you live in Southern Brisbane, I highly recommend you become acquainted with Algester Hungry Jacks. They always put waaaay too much sauce on their burgers. Otherwise, you will need to request extra sauce. Onions are optional, I prefer none.
- The burger is purchased and then sealed tightly in the takeaway bag with the fries and left to go soggy for at least 15 minutes (20 if you can hold out that long). A good idea is to get someone else to get it, and bring it to you once the required time has passed, otherwise you just might not make it.
- The burger is opened and the fries poured into the wrapper.
- Burger is eaten sloppily over the fries, allowing excesses of sauce and juices to dribble over the fries, thus making them wet and sodden.
- Only eat about 1/3 of the burger. This is really, really hard, but tragic consequences will follow if this is not strictly observed. (There’s nothing more heartbreaking than watching your much coveted meal disappear down the toilet because you couldn’t stop eating and your stomach hit the emergency eject button.)
- Similarly, only eat about 10-15 of the soggiest fries. Mmmmm…sooooggyyyyyyy
- Offload left overs to the person (I can guarantee there will be one) lingering nearby hoping for some scraps. (Usually a male, most likely a student. Honestly, they’re like seagulls.)
*These next cravings are NOT food related. You should never attempt to eat the following cravings under any circumstances*
The Puppy Craving:
I’ve used the term “puppy”, referring to dogs of 8-16 weeks of age as they tend not to have the typical doggy smell yet. If there just aren’t any puppies available, make sure you opt for a short haired dog (again, the smell. Having said that, Poodles and Bichon Friese are usually quite unsmelly). Chihuahuas can be ideal, however sometimes if their silly owner has pampered them, they can be nippy (unless of course you ARE the silly owner, then you should be fine). Great Danes are lazy, enormous, love sponges but may not fit on your bed.
- If you don’t own a suitable puppy, find someone who does.
- If you do not know the person well enough to ask for a loan of their puppy, steal it.
- Snuggle into bed with your new found puppy and hug. For optimum results, at least an hour is recommended, and definitely no less than 30 minutes minimum. If your puppy is prone to squirming or biting, find another one.
- Remember, your puppy is a living creature, not a cuddly toy. Be careful not to manipulate or squash your puppy in ways which may hurt it, and be mindful that it will require food, water, and access to a toilet area if you intent to keep it for extended periods of time.
- If you have borrowed or stolen your puppy, return to its rightful owner. If you have purchased your puppy, it is not acceptable to discard it “when done”. Your puppy will grow into a loving and faithful family member who will serve you well (and may come in handy in subsequent pregnancies – bonus!). If you are not prepared to put the effort into training and looking after your puppy, borrow rather than buy.
*Disclaimer: It is never acceptable to steal – puppies or otherwise, even if you intend to return it. Comments relating to stealing puppies are intended for comic value only.
Also on a serious note, it has been proven that patients in nursing homes and care facilities experience massive decreases in physical and mental suffering when visited regularly by therapy pets (usually dogs). Never under-estimate “puppy power”.
The “Weird Al” Yankovic Craving:
When feeling at my absolute lowest, I can find instantaneous relief by listening to some of my favourite Weird Al songs. If you are not familiar with Al, he is a comic singer, best known for his clever parodies of popular songs and crazy Polka mixes. Whilst I hugely appreciate the general “cleanness” of his material, occasionally there can be a risque line, or use of an obscene song in a polka mix (although he does use the “radio friendly” versions) which you may wish to censor before mindlessly handing one of his albums over to the kids. Incidently, if you do happen to come across a “Weird Al” song which is crude, vulgar, or obscene, you will most likely find it is simply one of the many, many copy-cat parodies which have been incorrectly credited to him. Al himself says he tries to keep his material family friendly and is saddened that his image is damaged by these false creditations.
- Go to http://www.weirdal.com/ Wait, not yet – you need to read the next few steps…
- The home page includes links to all sorts of places you can view Weird Al music clips – all Al approved!
- Select “Links” from the menu bar (the horizontal strip of crazy Al pics) In this section, you will find links to some Al approved videos that fans have made to his music.
- If you’re thoroughly getting your kicks, go ahead and search the whole site. I never get tired of it, always find something new, and always, always have a good laugh.
My personal favourites are “Your Horoscope for Today” (always golden), “White & Nerdy” (So incredibly similar to the original song “Ridin’” by Chamillionaire, and impressive rap skills), and check out the old classic “Smells like Nirvana” featuring some of the original extras from Nirvana’s clip “Smells Like Teen Spirit”. I genuinely hope I’ve made Al fans of you all!
(Dave says, I like Albuquerque…. Hee hee you shouldn’t let me have access to your blog 
)
